This Weekend's EXcapades

My Plan Before Seeing Jeffrey (my ex who I still talk to...yeah, one of those situations) For The First Time in 6 Months:

• Lose 10 lbs. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I know. But why do we always think that if only we could just lose a little weight we'd look smoking hot and drive him crazy??
• Get dressed up and go out with my friends. Instead of driving right over to his house as soon as we were both in town
• Talk to every other boy besides him. Not in an obvious way, but just in an 'I'm sorry, I'd love to talk, but this other hot guy is just so funny I can't break myself away from him right now.'  aka "see how many other guys want me??"
• NOT call him or make any effort to see him. Wait for him to keep trying and trying to see me.
• Not hook up with him. Maybe tease him a little, but then get up and walk out, or tell him that we're not dating so I can't do anything with him. 

What Actually Happened:

• Got anxious and ate everything I could get my hands on for the past two weeks, resulting in feeling bloated and hardly fitting into any of my jeans. 
• Got dressed up and went out with my other friends. Got drunk and hung out with lots of guys....but he didn't show up so all I did was put on a show.
• Ignored his text messages....until about 5 drinks in....then I sent him about 50 saying how much I wanted to meet up with him and tackkle the shet outta of hmi. 
• Ignored him the next day to try to salvage my pride.
• Woke up naked in his bed the morning after that. Doing everything BUT have sex is totally the same as not hooking up at alllllll....right?
• Hung out with him all day Saturday and blew off one of my guy friends because I couldn't drag myself away. 
• Made plans for him to come visit me after I go back home....which I somehow have to get out of if I'd like to avoid a potentially masterfuck of a mess with the boys I hang out near me. 
• Told him I loved him
• NEVER mentioned how I am happier now that we are broken up....never mentioned the fact that we are, in fact, actually, seriously, and honestly broken up....never tried to talk about anything serious....

Soooooooo.....my plans didn't really work out the way that I wanted them to, but when do they ever turn out the way you imagine they will in these situations?? Seems there's some people who just have that hold on you. The funny thing about seeing Jeffrey this time though was that I spent a lot of time, when I was with him, trying not to hear that tiny voice inside my head that said very matter of factly that I am over him and don't feel the same way. I guess it's about time my feelings for him changed. 

It's funny how sometimes our heart is stage behind. When things got bad and he didn't treat me well, all I could think of was how great he had been before. It was like I didn't believe he was turning into an asshole because I still saw him as a great guy. Now he's great again, but all I can think of is how much he hurt me before. I don't believe any of the nice things he does or says because I still see him as the asshole. 

So I still havn't broken the hold yet, but I think maybe it's a start, and for the sake of trying to be on my own side I'm going to cut myself some slack and go back to my life of staying busy and avoiding any type of serious relationship, knowing that even if he doesn't know it I've got the upper hand back in a strange sort of way. 

Out Shit Showed by Rito

Whenever I worry about my drinking habits or think that my life is in shambles, I spend a few days with my friend, Rito (short for Burrito, the explanation to which involves a Taco Bell, a lot of liqueur and not enough time in this post to explain) and then I feel much better about myself. 

I went back to my college to meet some friends this weekend. Going back to places has always been weird for me. I have found that in my life I spend a lot of time exhausting one place, using every piece of myself up until I have no other option but to run from it as fast and as far away as possible. When I leave a place, I'm done with it. I put that part of my life away and I don't feel any need to go back. I forget about that person. In college, I was shy, insecure and spent a lot of time depressed without anyone knowing. I studied hard, I won a lot of awards, and I spent my Friday nights in one of three places: the gym, the library, or in bed with my boyfriend watching a movie. 

If I got attention from boys in college, I was either oblivious to it or bluntly honest that I was in a relationship and not interested in getting to know anyone new. Now, however, I strangely think that I should be friends with everyone. Give me a few drinks and I find a way to be the center of attention, and I usually get myself in trouble by the end of the night, and wake up in the morning feeling nauseous with a mixture of happiness and shame. 

Rito, however, is a one woman circus of a shit show. I have seen her get blackout drunk and try to beat up a tree, pee in a boy's bed that she was trying to hook up with and puke in a washing machine and then do her laundry in it the next morning without noticing, all in the same weekend. Putting aside the more serious implications of the fact that she has some deep rooted issues and doesn't feel the slightest bit ashamed or embarrassed no matter how blackout she gets or who's bed she lands in on her downward spiral, I fucking love this girl. 

She totally out shit showed me this weekend and I am grateful for it in a humorous but slightly selfish way.

• I got asked to please calm down at the football game because I was waving my white pompom in the faces of everyone around me. I was not in my assigned seat and I did not know any of these people. BUT RITO missed the bleachers as she was jumping up and down chanting, and winded up sprawled out on her back across three rows of people. 
• I spent the next ten minutes trying to convince the security guard that neither of us had been drinking, when he tried to kick her out of the game, BUT RITO looked up at him from where she was lying across some stranger's lap and said, "Nope, I'm wasted!" She then turned and waved at everyone as she was escorted from the game while I stayed back long enough to get the boy's number that was sitting next to me. 
• I tried to sneak into a tailgate on the walk home and pretend that I knew an entire crowd of people because they had steak (yes, steak) and I was starving. BUT RITO apparently waited outside the popular ice cream joint on campus and told people she was there to hold their ice cream cones for them while they found a seat. Someone was actually stupid enough to hand it to her, and she tried to turn and sprint away with it but was caught because she tripped and fell in a bush. She swears that she didn't actually eat any ice cream, but she had a giant chocolate stain on her sweatshirt and sticky shit in her hair that I hope to God was ice cream. 
• I got cornered by an obnoxious boy at the bar after the game who's pickup line was to tell me how rich he was, leading to me tell him that I wasn't fucking impressed and I would appreciate if he left me alone (after he introduced me to his hot friend who I was trying to talk to anyway.) BUT RITO made out with the kid in the back corner of the bar so that he would buy her blueberry flavored beer. 
• I flirted back with one of my good friend's boyfriend and secretly held his hand while we were on the dance floor, BUT RITO got kicked out of the bar for dry humping a speaker and then got back in line and tried to pretend like she was a different person so she could get back in. 
• I called Jeffrey (my ex) on my way home from the bar, and embarrassingly admitted that all I ever do is think about him and that I know we are going to end up together somehow, BUT RITO called her ex-boyfriend 37 times. Yes, 37. Left him 5 voicemails and two barely legible text messages expressing her hatred for him. 
• I woke up with a headache and a sore throat to the sound of Rito puking in a cardboard box in the hallway of our old house. 

I'm not sure how she survives living in NYC, but somehow she does. As we said goodbye, I welcomed the long drive home so that I could reflect on my immature behavior and give myself a mighty dose of self-loathing capped off with a promise to get my shit together and stop thinking it's ok to flirt with other people's boyfriends just because they flirt with me.....but Rito put on her oversized sunglasses as she told me that she was glad she took it easy this weekend and only blacked out one night instead of three in a row because hopefully she wouldn't be hungover on Monday morning when she taught her pre-school kids how to draw turkeys by tracing their hand. 

Backwards Love Games

Next time I meet a guy and he annoys the shit out of me and I know right away that I have no future with him and I want him to leave, I'm going to pretend like I'm in love with him. I'm going to throw myself at him and treat him wonderfully and be super nice. I'll cook him food and leave him cute little notes to find when I'm not around. I'll listen to him when he talks and I will try to open up to him. I'll tell him that he's the one man in the world for me. This, I have found through the research on relationships I have personally conducted, will make me invisible to him. He will not notice me and he will leave me alone.

In return, next time I really like a guy, I'm going to act like I don't. I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want and purposely NOT do nice things for him. I'm going to forget to call him back. Going to leave his text messages unanswered. Going to blow him off every once in a while. I'm going to tell him that I don't want a relationship. That I love being single and I want to remain single and that I'm not attracted to him and we have no future together. This, apparently, makes boys fall in love with me, write me email after desperate email confessing such love, and hold on for months on end just trying to make things work with me.

As satirical as this rant is meant to be, the amount of truth it holds in my life right now is sad. Funny, but sad. Why does love seem to work so backwards sometimes?

Four Crazy Moments of my Friday

The photographer of my photo shoot was the official photographer of Manchester United.  Woke up at 5am Friday morning to shower and get downtown by 7am for my photoshoot. We met at the photographers studio to get ready before heading out to our location, and while I was getting my face painted (aka my makeup done) I listened to the stylist talk to the photographer about all of the crazy things he has done, including shooting for major magazines and winning an Emmy. The makeup artist kept repeating everything the photographer said to me in a low whisper, just to make sure I heard, but I guess my lack of sleep effected my excitement. Then, as I was looking at the titles of the books on his book shelves I noticed a book about Alex Ferguson. I asked the photog if he was a Man U fan, and he told me that he was their official photographer for three seasons. Whattttttt??? I might not give a shit about a lot of things I'm supposed to give a shit about in the modeling world, but I was instantly impressed. I talked to him about Rooney (his decision to stay at Man U and his trouble with prostitutes mostly) and the guy was shocked that I actually knew something about soccer other than the fact that David Beckham is married to a Spice Girl. 

I had to run half a mile in platform boots to buy a pair of silver strappy shoes before my runway show.  Went straight from photo shoot to runway show on Friday. Showed up (barely) on time for rehearsal only to learn that they had switched the four looks that I was going to be wearing and now needed me to wear silver shoes instead of black. Searched in my bag to find only one silver strappy show. Fuck. Not having the right shoes is a great way to not get booked again. Told them it must be in my car. Ran back to my car. No second silver shoe. Looked up on my iphone and found a Payless about a half mile away. Started running. Weaved in and out of people on the street, but made pretty good time. Found a pair of silver strappys for less than 20 bucks. Bought them, put the box under my arm like it as a football and started running back. Made it back just in time for rehearsal to start. Sweating like a pig. (Not very attractive) Changed into my first look. Walked down the runway one time in my new shoes. Came back to change. Was told that they were going to switch my outfit again. Didn't need the silver shoes anymore. Black shoes would work fine. 

My dad got a little tipsy and almost dropped my brother's birthday cake on someone's head.  From the runway show, I raced back home from the city and went straight to Everett and Tula's show. It was Everett's birthday on Friday. My parents got him a cake so that we could have everyone sing to him after they finished playing. My dad took advantage of the $25 all-you-can-drink deal and got a little tipsy. During their last song, he went running back to the bar to get the cake ready, then proceeded to carry the cake, lit with 27 candles, through the tables full of people. For some crazy reason, he hoisted the cake over his head and held it up as he walked. I guess he was worried people wouldn't see the flaming sheet moving through the dark bar? Whatever the reason, it was funny enough just to see him perform this stunt, but then, things got even better when he walked through the final two tables. The cake suddenly slide off the cardboard cutout plate he was carrying and for a moment appeared as it would would certainly fall directly on the head of the woman sitting innocently at the front table. Somehow, he managed to get a shoulder beneath the cake, bracing its fall and then recovering the cake, miraculously keeping all but two candles lit while he finished the walk to the stage as if nothing had happened. I almost peed myself laughing, especially because his black shirt was decorated with frosting and candle wax stains for the rest of the evening. I see where I get my gracefulness from. 

Had a crazy dream during the middle of a late night conversation with Brad while we were laying in his bed cuddling. I was exhausted. I warned him that I was not going to be able to stay awake. Brad started reading me a letter he had written to his Uncle about me. It was incredibly nice, but it led to a conversation about us and where we were headed. I could feel myself struggling to stay awake. All of a sudden Brad asked me what I was talking about. What do you mean we should invite Obama and Trader Joe? It took me a minute to figure out that I was dreaming and that what I had just said made absolutely no sense what so ever. I spent a few seconds trying desperately to think of some way that I could convince him that I was not crazy, but I finally gave up and just started laughing and admitted that I must have been dreaming. Whoops. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to hear the end of that one for a while. 

Days Like This Are What Keep Me Sane

Me: Where are we going?
Brad: Somewhere far away.
Me: Nice. I just have to be back for my shoot tomorrow.
Brad: I'll try.

Me: I hate feeling guilty every time I eat.
Brad: Fuck The Agents. You're fucking gorgeous.
Me: I wasn't fishing for a compliment. I was just saying.
Brad: I wasn't giving you one. I was just saying. 

 

Me: Let's steal this boat and go sailing.
Brad: The water is freezing, are you going to
swim out there to get it?
Me: Sure! It would be worth it.
Brad: You do realize there's no wind.
We'd just sit there in the boat.
Me: Let's do it.

Me: Can we stay here forever?
Brad: Sure.
Me: Seriously. I don't want to leave.
Brad: Ok. We'll stay forever. But then,
I have to take you home.
You have a shoot tomorrow morning.

Brad: Beautiful perm on that dog.
Me: You're such a dork.
Brad: Then why are you laughing?
Me: Because you're funny.

Brad: Why are you taking a picture of that?
Me: I donno. I feel like it
Brad: Does it make sense?
Me: Kinda, until you think about it.
Brad: I like you.

Prior to our swinging contest. Which I won. 

Me: "No Can't's Allowed."
Brad: Or "Never Say Can't."
Me: I like my version better.

Me: Let's steal this one and go out on the lake!
Brad: I think it has a hole in it.
Me: You're such a wuss.
You just don't want to get wet.
Brad: Yep.

Beaver did some damage.

Me: Why does this sign make me sad?
Brad: Because the sun is setting and we
have to leave soon?
Me: Why can't this just last forever?
Brad: Because then it wouldn't be special.

Me: How bout this boat? It's our last chance!
Brad: There's no oars.
Me: We could use our hands.
Brad: I like you.

Me: This is seriously gorgeous.
Brad: I agree.
Me: Look at the lake. Not at me.
Brad: I can't.

Me: You look cute when you cook me dinner.
Brad: When don't I look cute?
Me: Good point.

Me: We fogged up the windows! I've never done that.
Brad: Me either. I'll never look at Target the same.
Me: We're in a Walmart parking lot silly.
Brad: Oh. Same thing.
Me: I like you.

Me: This was seriously the best day.

Brad: Yeah, it's one of those days that you save and then bring it out later when you have a bad day. 

Me: Yeah, you're giving me a lot of those lately. 

It's Not Cute Anymore. It's Fucking Annoying.

Image via Wikipedia

It's funny how when you like someone, everything they do seems cute. But when you cross over into the not liking zone, they could do the exact same thing and it can seem like the most annoying thing anyone could possibly do. The exact same thing.

Case in point: Andy always eats only a half a piece of gum. I used to think this was cool. He'd tear the piece in half and save it for later and then a pack of gum lasted twice as long. Today, I offered him a piece of gum and he took it and ripped it in half, just like he always does, and I wanted to shove the rest of the piece in his fucking mouth. Eat the whole goddamn piece. It's a single piece of gum. It will fit in your mouth. It's not cute at all. It's fucking annoying. I find half pieces of gum in my car all the time and it's a fucking waste because they are dirty and old and no one wants to eat them. So just eat the whole effing piece. 

It wasn't funny at all, it annoyed the shit out of me. And then, I sat down and started writing this post and I thought back to the fantasies I had while driving home about climbing across the car and prying his mouth open dramatically and shoving the rest of the gum in his mouth. And now I'm laughing. 

Don't Take Pictures Down Your Pants...Unless I Ask

When did it become appropriate for men to tell you the size of their penis before you've even gone on a first date? Or for them to ask you if you want to know what they just did because they couldn't stop thinking about you?

I guess I am newer than I thought to this being single thing. I need a crash course in dating etiquette because  I had this weird, crazy idea that guys would actually try to at least bull shit their way through a conversation about something other than their dicks in order to get you to hang out with them. What the hell was I thinking?

In the past week I've had two guys try this. One told me to go get a ruler so that I could see what 7.5 inches looked like. I responded by saying that I know it's a lot because that's how much I just got cut off of my hair and I wanted to cry. What?? I also need to practice my responses in these situations.

Frustrating as it is, I'll admit that the next day I found myself thinking about it. However, it made me scared to hang out with the guy. I've never even gone on a date with him and he's trying to talk to me about what he would love to do to me. And then, he took it a step further and asked if I wanted him to send me a picture of it. I was sitting at a family dinner at the time. No, I do not want to see a picture of your bulging penis, discolored in the way that cell phones seem to do, and staring at me from a screen less than two feet away from my father. Call me a old fashion, but I think I'll pass. 

I made the mistake of telling the other guy that I had a dream about him, which I did. Note to self, don't tell guys you had dreams about them unless you want to open up the sexting door. It wasn't even a sexual dream, but he took the idea and ran with it, telling me that he was so turned on in class he might have to go to the bathroom. Gross. Get it together. This conversation continued all day. Again, this is a guy I went on one date with and never kissed. It's not like I am a complete prude. If I was dating someone I would be all for this sexual flirtation, but when someone is trying to convince me to hang out with them and get coffee, this isn't really the best route to try, in my opinion.

By all means, try a little subtle flirting. You can hint at things. Hinting goes a long way. If I'm attracted to you then I've thought about making out with you. Probably even about having sex with you. Girls think about this shit too. But for crying out loud, leave a little to be discovered or I'm not going to want to explore.