Don't Call Me Your Girlfriend

Boyfriend Remote Control by m-c via Flickr

Is it now the norm to assume you are dating someone after hanging out for a few weeks?

I'm wanting the answer, in this situation, to be no. This is absolutely ridiculous....right? Just cause you are hanging out with someone for a little while, doesn't mean that you are officially boyfriend/girlfriend, I mean, there's supposed to be a awkward conversation before this takes change takes place. One of those, soooo what are we? talks. 

The problem is, that if you are the one not wanting to be official, the simple fact of bringing this topic of conversation up, even if only to say that you do not want to be dating anyone and are not comfortable with the idea of being exclusive, automatically makes things more serious. 

Instead of taking this route, I have been taking the much more mature (ha!) path of simple hint dropping. Such as: getting drunk and dancing to songs about being a single girl, talking to other boys, and emphatically denying to anyone and everyone that I am dating. As long as I say I'm single, then I'm single. So....I'm single goddammit.

And it's not my fault if someone misunderstands and thinks that I am just saying that I don't want a boyfriend just to be cute and funny and hard to get, thereby tricking them into wanting to date me, which apparently is every girl's only desire. 

Yes, in case you are wondering, this is what I am sitting here trying to convince myself of right now...while pretending to study...while Brad is sulking in the cubical next to me... after following me to the library...because I refuse to kiss him in public. 

Backwards Love Games

Next time I meet a guy and he annoys the shit out of me and I know right away that I have no future with him and I want him to leave, I'm going to pretend like I'm in love with him. I'm going to throw myself at him and treat him wonderfully and be super nice. I'll cook him food and leave him cute little notes to find when I'm not around. I'll listen to him when he talks and I will try to open up to him. I'll tell him that he's the one man in the world for me. This, I have found through the research on relationships I have personally conducted, will make me invisible to him. He will not notice me and he will leave me alone.

In return, next time I really like a guy, I'm going to act like I don't. I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want and purposely NOT do nice things for him. I'm going to forget to call him back. Going to leave his text messages unanswered. Going to blow him off every once in a while. I'm going to tell him that I don't want a relationship. That I love being single and I want to remain single and that I'm not attracted to him and we have no future together. This, apparently, makes boys fall in love with me, write me email after desperate email confessing such love, and hold on for months on end just trying to make things work with me.

As satirical as this rant is meant to be, the amount of truth it holds in my life right now is sad. Funny, but sad. Why does love seem to work so backwards sometimes?

It's Not Cute Anymore. It's Fucking Annoying.

Image via Wikipedia

It's funny how when you like someone, everything they do seems cute. But when you cross over into the not liking zone, they could do the exact same thing and it can seem like the most annoying thing anyone could possibly do. The exact same thing.

Case in point: Andy always eats only a half a piece of gum. I used to think this was cool. He'd tear the piece in half and save it for later and then a pack of gum lasted twice as long. Today, I offered him a piece of gum and he took it and ripped it in half, just like he always does, and I wanted to shove the rest of the piece in his fucking mouth. Eat the whole goddamn piece. It's a single piece of gum. It will fit in your mouth. It's not cute at all. It's fucking annoying. I find half pieces of gum in my car all the time and it's a fucking waste because they are dirty and old and no one wants to eat them. So just eat the whole effing piece. 

It wasn't funny at all, it annoyed the shit out of me. And then, I sat down and started writing this post and I thought back to the fantasies I had while driving home about climbing across the car and prying his mouth open dramatically and shoving the rest of the gum in his mouth. And now I'm laughing. 

There are Reasons They Serve Wine at Community Theatre

I should probably wait until the morning to post about tonight's super duper performance of Death of a Salesman starring Andy W******* ....

Ok, I waited ten minutes. Still sitting at the computer. I should really just go to bed right now. Unfortunately, they served wine at the show. And, the wine was $3 a glass. And, there were two 15 minute intermissions. And...well...honestly I'm pretty sure the wine was there for only one reason. There might as well have been a sign on the table that said, "Hey! Congrats for surviving for the previous Act. Have a glass of cheap shitty wine to help you forget about the fact you are stuck here for another few hours." 


Sorry. I'm being a bitch. Don't judge me. You weren't there.

I'm all about acting. Hell, I'm an actress myself. I have an incredible amount of respect for the people who put themselves out there and get up in front of people. Honestly. I wish I could do it. But tonight, I don't know what was harder, not laughing at the ridiculous facial expressions of the level of overacting I cannot do justice to, or staying awake.

This is the wine talking. I swear. Sorry to cut this rant short, but Brad is calling me and I'd rather spend the next ten minutes playing a sappy game of I wish we were roommates so that we could be cuddling right now (followed by me convincing myself that it is a good idea to tell him that I can't stop thinking about how fucking hot he looks naked,) than I would waste another minute thinking about the mess of a play I just witnessed. Ahhh wine, I swear. It's the wine.

Don't Take Pictures Down Your Pants...Unless I Ask

When did it become appropriate for men to tell you the size of their penis before you've even gone on a first date? Or for them to ask you if you want to know what they just did because they couldn't stop thinking about you?

I guess I am newer than I thought to this being single thing. I need a crash course in dating etiquette because  I had this weird, crazy idea that guys would actually try to at least bull shit their way through a conversation about something other than their dicks in order to get you to hang out with them. What the hell was I thinking?

In the past week I've had two guys try this. One told me to go get a ruler so that I could see what 7.5 inches looked like. I responded by saying that I know it's a lot because that's how much I just got cut off of my hair and I wanted to cry. What?? I also need to practice my responses in these situations.

Frustrating as it is, I'll admit that the next day I found myself thinking about it. However, it made me scared to hang out with the guy. I've never even gone on a date with him and he's trying to talk to me about what he would love to do to me. And then, he took it a step further and asked if I wanted him to send me a picture of it. I was sitting at a family dinner at the time. No, I do not want to see a picture of your bulging penis, discolored in the way that cell phones seem to do, and staring at me from a screen less than two feet away from my father. Call me a old fashion, but I think I'll pass. 

I made the mistake of telling the other guy that I had a dream about him, which I did. Note to self, don't tell guys you had dreams about them unless you want to open up the sexting door. It wasn't even a sexual dream, but he took the idea and ran with it, telling me that he was so turned on in class he might have to go to the bathroom. Gross. Get it together. This conversation continued all day. Again, this is a guy I went on one date with and never kissed. It's not like I am a complete prude. If I was dating someone I would be all for this sexual flirtation, but when someone is trying to convince me to hang out with them and get coffee, this isn't really the best route to try, in my opinion.

By all means, try a little subtle flirting. You can hint at things. Hinting goes a long way. If I'm attracted to you then I've thought about making out with you. Probably even about having sex with you. Girls think about this shit too. But for crying out loud, leave a little to be discovered or I'm not going to want to explore. 

Twilight Email from Andy

Andy wrote me an email at 4:30 this morning. It started off, "I wish I could let it pass, but as I lay here sleepless in the early morning hours of twilight, I know that I cannot." From there, it only got better. I didn't answer all of his text messages, again. I didn't answer all of his questions, again. Now, he's unable to sleep and resorting to writing a sappy email because I have let him down, again. I'm trying to find patience to deal with this, but I'm struggling. 

I'm not really sure how to answer. He puts me in these positions where I don't know how to respond. I am inclined to lie. It's the easiest thing. Because if I tell the truth, he will take it the wrong way and he will get upset. And honestly, it's none of his damn business. He acts like we dated for a few years, when we were never technically together. We were hanging out for a few weeks. That's it. I'm allowed to hang out with who ever I want. And I'm also allowed to not tell him about it. I'm allowed to not answer if I am busy. He doesn't need to know where I am at all times and who I am with. 

Maybe it would be easier if I told him I was seeing someone else, but that would somehow take things with Brad to the next level and I'm not ready to say that I am seeing anyone. I'm single. I've been hanging out with other people but I'm not in a relationship with anyone. I'll save resorting to this until I am actually in a relationship. 

I thought that I could be friends with Andy and it would be ok. Honestly, I didn't really care to be friends with him after everything, but I mean, he's ok as a friend and we go to a ton of the same castings together and bump into each other a lot. He's fun as a friend sometimes and it's better to have him as a friend then to have an awkward person that I used to be friends with but run into all the time. It's hard to imagine that I ever kissed him. Seems gross now.