A lame attempt to bridge the gap in time

Things you need to know to catch up with my life  Things I've decided to tell you whether you want to know them or not:

1. I had to delete this blog because I started dating a boy. Boy tried to move in with me. I realized I did not love the boy and made him move out. We haven't talked since, which was sad for a few days but eventually led to a drastic increase in quality of life.

2. A boy tried to send me a picture of his yogurt-slinger tonight. I said no thanks. He's the 5th guy recently to mistakenly think I wanted to see. Strangely, my first thought was, "I should probably start blogging this shit again."

3. I love being single.

4. I moved.

5. I've kissed more boys this year than in the 23 years prior combined.

6. Every time I log on Facebook, someone else is engaged or knocked up. Secretly, I feel bad for them and send a quiet apology.

7. I'm back in school....The Agents are not happy about it. But I am.

8. I promise that my writing will be terrible, the stories true, and the typos limited to the tiny fuckers that slip though a rough draft. I don't have time to edit, if shit ain't right...well...you'll figure it out.

9. I secretly hope that someday someone will read something I've written and say 'Hah! That happened to me too...I know exactly what you mean!' So if you happen to be that person, say hi and we can enjoy a moment of understanding. It'll be fun.

10. I don't know where that creepy #9 came from. Ignore it please, it's supposed to be a secret.

11. People are weird. And surprising. I don't like them all, but I love this fucked up world with everything I have.

Things I Learned in 2010

1. If you drink alcohol while taking medication that has a sticker on the bottle that says "Do NOT drink alcohol while taking this medication," you will wind up passed out with your head on a restaurant table and an 11 year old girl on your lap. 
2. Being a vegetarian is not for everyone. Despite the bold-fonted claim on the box, soy bacon does not taste like genuine, deliciously fatty, pig bacon. Some things just can't be made healthy. 
3. The more you declare that you will NOT be drinking on any specific night, the drunker you will be by the end of the night.
4. Cuddling with a puppy at night sometimes just makes you even more lonely. And sometimes makes you wonder why you would ever trade it in for a boy.
5. Trying to lose weight makes you gain weight.
6. Trying NOT to date anyone makes more people want to date you.
7. Trying to be yourself is much harder (at first) than trying to be someone else. It is, however, a much better way to live life.
8. Sometimes I wonder why the fuck I am working hard every day, trying to study and go back to school, when the cast of the Jersey Shore pulls in millions for getting shit-faced and acting like fucking idiots. 
9. Workout dvds that promises to give you a six pack, don't produce results just by purchasing them. Instead, they make you poor. Then sit on top of your television and make you feel guilty every time you sit down on the couch to watch reality tv with a bag of Tostedos in your hand. 
10. Boys who cry the first weekend you hang out with them should usually be avoided.
11. Boys who never cry at all should also be avoided.
12. Flirting with other people's boyfriends is sometimes difficult to avoid, but it should be on all accounts. 
13. "Should be's" shouldn't always be followed.
14.  Walking in heels for longer than 10 minutes is actually possible. 
15. The way things works out sometimes is exactly opposite to the way you want them to work out, and usually after time goes by, you're thankful for this. 
16. Just because something doesn't happen at the time you think it should/will, doesn't mean it will never happen.
17. Drunk texting is hilarious...when other people do it. 
18. I should hire someone to physically remove my cell phone from my hand after I have had five drinks.
19. Hooking up on an actual beach is not as hot as you think. It's just sandy. 
20. If you pretend like you know what is going on, and you look like you know what is going on, people believe you.
21. There are an endless list of things to worry about. None of them get any better by worrying. And most of the things you worry most about, never even happen. 
22. I can't think of many things better to do on any given night than making out with someone.
23. The last week of December, you inevidibly take a moment to wonder how you didn't do everything you set out to do on Jan. 1st. It's also important to remember all the things you did that you never imagined you could do.

Andy Puts on a Show

I showed up to the Holiday Party on Friday night and Andy was already wasted. I haven't seen him in about 2 weeks, not since he sent me an email at 3am explaining that he would no longer be able to have any form of communication with me, asking me to please not try to get in touch with him anymore because it is too hard for him. Then, he got mad at me when I listened to him and didn't answer. 

The first hour or so of the party was manageably awkward. He asked me if I wanted a piece of gum, but said the only flavor he had was Mint Chocolate Chip. I pulled out an identical pack from my purse and then he got teary and gave me a pitiful look and so I asked him if he wanted to hang out sometime soon or if I was still not allowed to talk to him. He said he'd like that. Then he told me that he got booked for a Chanel informal event and some sneaker ad. Oh, and he's started smoking weed again now that he's depressed.

The second hour of the party was slightly different. After consuming four more mixed drinks, he began a sentence talking about his sister's new apartment and ended it with how I am a fucking bitch. Ah, so much for a momentary lapse of not liking him. I thanked him, saying that I had almost missed him for a second and I appreciated him making things normal again. He did not care for my sarcasm and launched into a tirade of why I was a horrible person because I did not want to love him and marry him and spend the rest of my life with him (we "dated" for about 3 weeks.) Then, he turned on the heel of his shiny, pointed toe shoes and stormed away. I shrugged and started talking to the guy next to me, while Andy paraded around in my peripheral trying to hug every girl he could find, and then staring bitterly at me over each girl's shoulder. 

An hour after that, he got kicked out of the bar. He swore he did not do anything, but his knuckles were bleeding when I found him in the parking lot, so who knows what actually happened. I'd taken the night off from drinking, so I offered him a ride home. I wish I could be a "fucking bitch" at times like these, and just let him walk his drunk, temperamental ass home in the cold, but I'm a big softy, so I walked him to be car and shoved him in the passenger seat and told him if he was going to puke he had to stick his head out the window. An hour later I finally kicked him out of my car after sitting outside his apartment building trying to navigate my way through his attempt at a serious conversation. (I should write a post about what happened with us, but I get annoyed even just thinking about taking the time to write about him, so I can't promise I will ever get around to it.)

I feel bad letting someone down. I hate letting people down. I have the what-can-i-do-to-make-you-happy disorder...but learning to find my own voice and to figure out what I actually want requires me to do what is best for me, even if it pisses people off. If Andy could have stayed "good andy" and not changed into a dramatic, crying, jealous mess with the temper of a pit bull, then maybe I would give him another chance. His shit, I've realized, is his shit to work out on his own, and it doesn't have anything to do with me. So for now I am going to enjoy the comical twist on the evening; him trying to say recite a Shakespeare sonnet to explain the way he felt, him cursing at the door handle when he couldn't open the door (even though I kept trying to explain to him that it was locked) and him answering his phone when some girl called and pretending it was his mother when I could clearly see his caller id. 

I'm ok with being the fucking bitch that drives home alone at the end of the night, instead of the people-pleaser who stays over at some ranting boy's house just to make him happy.

Naughty Dreams

Anyone ever have a really sexual dream about someone and then feel strangely awkward around them the next time you have to see them? 

I had a dream about my friend Kush the other night and then I saw him today and my face kept feeling all hot and my back was itchy and I was like what the fuck is going on? He looked at me and all of a sudden I remembered an image of him naked. I have never seen him naked, but I dreamt it in such precise detail that my body honestly believes that I've hooked up with him. 

I made the mistake of telling him that I had a dream about him....an invitation apparently to start talking about sex. Now he won't stop texting me and trying to talk dirty. Maybe I should just hook up with him to see if he's as good in real life as he was in my dream. It would be strictly scientific based research. He's getting a little inappropriate though so I think I'll just let it be a strictly dream specific relationship. 

Don't Call Me Your Girlfriend

Boyfriend Remote Control by m-c via Flickr

Is it now the norm to assume you are dating someone after hanging out for a few weeks?

I'm wanting the answer, in this situation, to be no. This is absolutely ridiculous....right? Just cause you are hanging out with someone for a little while, doesn't mean that you are officially boyfriend/girlfriend, I mean, there's supposed to be a awkward conversation before this takes change takes place. One of those, soooo what are we? talks. 

The problem is, that if you are the one not wanting to be official, the simple fact of bringing this topic of conversation up, even if only to say that you do not want to be dating anyone and are not comfortable with the idea of being exclusive, automatically makes things more serious. 

Instead of taking this route, I have been taking the much more mature (ha!) path of simple hint dropping. Such as: getting drunk and dancing to songs about being a single girl, talking to other boys, and emphatically denying to anyone and everyone that I am dating. As long as I say I'm single, then I'm single. So....I'm single goddammit.

And it's not my fault if someone misunderstands and thinks that I am just saying that I don't want a boyfriend just to be cute and funny and hard to get, thereby tricking them into wanting to date me, which apparently is every girl's only desire. 

Yes, in case you are wondering, this is what I am sitting here trying to convince myself of right now...while pretending to study...while Brad is sulking in the cubical next to me... after following me to the library...because I refuse to kiss him in public. 

This Weekend's EXcapades

My Plan Before Seeing Jeffrey (my ex who I still talk to...yeah, one of those situations) For The First Time in 6 Months:

• Lose 10 lbs. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I know. But why do we always think that if only we could just lose a little weight we'd look smoking hot and drive him crazy??
• Get dressed up and go out with my friends. Instead of driving right over to his house as soon as we were both in town
• Talk to every other boy besides him. Not in an obvious way, but just in an 'I'm sorry, I'd love to talk, but this other hot guy is just so funny I can't break myself away from him right now.'  aka "see how many other guys want me??"
• NOT call him or make any effort to see him. Wait for him to keep trying and trying to see me.
• Not hook up with him. Maybe tease him a little, but then get up and walk out, or tell him that we're not dating so I can't do anything with him. 

What Actually Happened:

• Got anxious and ate everything I could get my hands on for the past two weeks, resulting in feeling bloated and hardly fitting into any of my jeans. 
• Got dressed up and went out with my other friends. Got drunk and hung out with lots of guys....but he didn't show up so all I did was put on a show.
• Ignored his text messages....until about 5 drinks in....then I sent him about 50 saying how much I wanted to meet up with him and tackkle the shet outta of hmi. 
• Ignored him the next day to try to salvage my pride.
• Woke up naked in his bed the morning after that. Doing everything BUT have sex is totally the same as not hooking up at alllllll....right?
• Hung out with him all day Saturday and blew off one of my guy friends because I couldn't drag myself away. 
• Made plans for him to come visit me after I go back home....which I somehow have to get out of if I'd like to avoid a potentially masterfuck of a mess with the boys I hang out near me. 
• Told him I loved him
• NEVER mentioned how I am happier now that we are broken up....never mentioned the fact that we are, in fact, actually, seriously, and honestly broken up....never tried to talk about anything serious....

Soooooooo.....my plans didn't really work out the way that I wanted them to, but when do they ever turn out the way you imagine they will in these situations?? Seems there's some people who just have that hold on you. The funny thing about seeing Jeffrey this time though was that I spent a lot of time, when I was with him, trying not to hear that tiny voice inside my head that said very matter of factly that I am over him and don't feel the same way. I guess it's about time my feelings for him changed. 

It's funny how sometimes our heart is stage behind. When things got bad and he didn't treat me well, all I could think of was how great he had been before. It was like I didn't believe he was turning into an asshole because I still saw him as a great guy. Now he's great again, but all I can think of is how much he hurt me before. I don't believe any of the nice things he does or says because I still see him as the asshole. 

So I still havn't broken the hold yet, but I think maybe it's a start, and for the sake of trying to be on my own side I'm going to cut myself some slack and go back to my life of staying busy and avoiding any type of serious relationship, knowing that even if he doesn't know it I've got the upper hand back in a strange sort of way. 

Abbreviated November Recap

WOW November, where did you go. I am furiously trying to stay in denial that another month is flying by and that winter is coming. Just to recap, I have only kissed three different boys this past month, received two horribly sappy, overly dramatic emails from Andy, added one more boy to the list and dropped one completely. I haven't fallen on any runways lately, but I did gain 5 pounds as a result of trying to lose 5 pounds before a meeting with the Agents. Awesome. 

Got myself into a fun little pickle last weekend when two of the boys I am crushing on ended up at the same bar at the same time. When you find yourself in such a situation, the best possible solution is probably NOT to drink too much, however, this is also the least likely thing to happen, so you can guess the number of drinks I had....or at least try to guess. I'm not sure the answer tho, so all you need to know is that it was enough to decide that the best thing to do would be to meet another boy and talk to him instead of either of the two boys that came to see me. A great solution. Boy #3 turned out to be pretty cute (when I looked him up on Facebook the next morning so that I could remember what he looked like) Fun night. 

In an attempt to top off my performance, I vowed NOT to drink on Thanksgiving eve so that I wouldn't be hungover at my grandparents house in front of my entire family. Vowing not to drink is pretty much the most surefire way to wind up wasted off my ass by the end of the night. In this case, I had to call my mother to pick me up as I was wandering around a neighborhood at 2am, trying to walk the 7 miles back to my grandparents house. Needless to say, I spent the day trying not to throw up on my grandparents fancy new carpet while I laid on the couch in front of my family and pretended like my back was hurting so I couldn't get up and walk around. So much for not being hungover. At least it's a way not to overeat on Thanksgiving....not one I would recommend though. 

To summarize, I have been awesome at being a mature adult lately, am going to get in trouble with the Agents when they take measurements this week, and have not done much to help the bags growing under my eyes, or to convince my family that I have my life together......but at least I've been having fun.