I stayed awake at the shoot yesterday. Even more amazing: I was bubbly and energetic and the pictures actually looked freaking amazing. (except for the size of my thighs. I hate myself for caring about this, but I do.) I love makeup artists and photoshop. It's Andy's birthday today, so he had a big party last night at his parents apartment last night. I wasn't sure how I was going to stay awake, but I agreed to stop by and say hi. I didn't have a card or a present. I meant to, but I didn't have time to stop and get anything. I showed up, again, with a half rubbed off face of heavy makeup and exhausted hair.
**Example of how Andy drives me crazy: I show up after a full day of shooting and my hair and makeup is done and I say that I feel embarrassed meeting people because I look a little bit crazy. I go to the bathroom and rub off most of the makeup, then come out and ask Andy if I look ok. He hesitates, looks at me and makes a face, and then says I look ok. Immediately, I feel bad about the way I look, say a silent fuck you and decide that there's no sense worrying about it, I look fine. Later, I mention to James that I look crazy tonight because I came right from work, and he tells me that I am crazy for thinking I look crazy. He tells me I look beautiful.**
I wasn't planning on staying over, mostly because that meant that I would have to sleep on the same bed as Andy and I avoid that with every ounce of my being. I also wasn't planning on drinking. Or over eating. Or talking to other guys. Apparently, I suck at making plans.
One glass of wine and I was tipsy. One glass of wine later, I was friends with everyone. One more to top it off and I was best friends with all of Andy's guy friends from high school, convinced that I was going to help them all find girls to go home with at the end of the night. This led to me naming one of his friends JTT and telling everyone that we passed, bumped into, or looked in our direction, that he was the child star from Home Improvement and could recite lines from his role as Simba in the Lion King. It also led to me meeting a group of about fifteen girls at a bachlorette party, and cheersing to remaining single.
One more glass of wine, and I found myself in a corner of the bar, listening to James (Andy's sister's kind-of boyfriend) tell me that he has a crush on me. I might have a crush on him too? We kept sneaking away together, just so that we could talk without other people around. He held my hand for a few minutes and he told me he wanted to kiss me, but as badly as I wanted to kiss him too, I couldn't cross this line. Andy's sister is dating another guy, besides James, and she told me all about this during another random moment of the night, but the drunker she got, the more came out about how she knew James didn't like her anymore and they hardly ever hung out. It's wrong to feel strangely excited at the news of this...right?
I tried to make Andy feel special on his birthday. I knew there was going to be a dramatic spilling of his feelings for me at some point in the night, so I avoided him enough to keep it light and I paid enough attention to him to make him feel important and I fell asleep before he could pour his heart out.
He did, however, try. On the cab ride home, all he wanted to do was kiss me. This is an awkward position to be in. I hate hurting people but I am so sick of doing what other people want instead of what I want to do. All I have done, for so many years, is to do everything in my power to keep other people happy, and all that I am left with is resentment and shame when I remain silent. I feel like I owe people things. If someone falls in love with me, I feel like it's my fault and that I have to be everything that they want me to be. For the first time in my life I am starting to realize that I have choices over things. I get to decide who I want to be with and what I want to do. This has been hard for me to learn, but it is the most important lesson in my life right now and I am pushing to follow through to become someone who does what she wants to do and puts herself first.
This morning, I woke up feeling sufficated as Andy was wrapped around me. Besides a few closed mouth kisses, nothing happened and I am thankful for that. We got into a discussion today, because apparently Andy tried to talk to me last night when we got back from the bar, and I fell asleep mid pouring of his heart. (Not my fault, I warned him ahead of time.) He wants to be together. He knows that he fucked up before and he has been trying really hard to make things better and to be a better person. I know he's been trying and I genuinily feel bad for him. Maybe just because he is crying, and I hate to see people cry. I can't help but think that it's not really fair to have a conversation like this when it's his birthday. How can I be honest knowing that if I am it will be a shitty day for him. A shitty day on a birthday just multiplies the misery and I don't have the heart for the right now.
I was able to be honest and tell him that I do care about him, but that I can't go back there now. I just want to be friends and that's all. I told him that I like hanging out with him, but that I can't be anything more than that and I'm sorry. I guess I did all that I could in this situation today.
I met up with my family for breakfast, giddy and delerious after the weekend that I have had, and still wearing the same outfit I have been all weekend. I need to shower. I need to sleep. I can't stop thinking about Brad. It feels like forever since I kissed him. He sent me a facebook message saying that he had to see me again. He makes me smile. James has been texting me all day. So has Jeff. So has Curt. I wish Curt lived closer. I don't know how I'm going to explain to Jeff where I have been for the past few days and why I haven't answered him. I wanted to text Matthew last night, but even in my tipsy state of mind, I resisted. This is all crazy. I'm not used to any of this and I don't really know how to handle it all. But I'm trying to let myself have fun.
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