My New Perspective on Dessert

I was thinking today, as I was running, about my resistance to lose weight. I don't want to give in to industry standards. I know that I am not overweight. I know that I am thin. But, I realized that I have voluntarily chosen a career where the size of my hips and waist matters more than the size of my brain; and I spend the majority of my time either feeling like I should lose weight and being depressed about my size, or rebelling against the system and stuffing my face with junk food just because I want to not give a shit. Neither one is beneficial for me and I remain in the same place, complaining and wallowing in self-hatred. 

Today, I thought about why I can't just stop myself from eating when I begin my borderline bingeing behavior. I've tried a hundred different ways. I've tried hating myself and telling myself that I don't deserve to eat chocolate or ice cream. I end up eating more. I've tried being compassionate with myself and allowing myself to just do what I want because I deserve it. I end up eating more. I've started over so many times that the thought of starting over again, only to fall back into the same place again as I inevitably seem to do is depressing enough to send me back to the freezer right now so that I can save the trouble of the impending damage. 

For some reason, as I was running, I pictured myself giving an interview. (Yeah, I think about this shit.) I thought of someone asking me so, why did you never make it anywhere as a model? And my answer was because I went to an amazing candy store with a boy and he bought me sugary treats. And my mom ordered guacamole at dinner and it was just sitting there at the table, waiting for me. And my brother made blueberry muffins from scratch. I never wanted to be rude, so I just ate everything. 

It seems like such an unbalanced practice I follow. I give up traveling around the world. I give up money. I give up something I love to do. All for something that tastes good for a few minutes and then makes me feel sick the rest of the day??? What the fuck am I doing??

So, from now on, I'm going to try to think of this before falling into my old eating habits. I'm not going to stop eating. I have to eat to live and I do not want to go down the dangerous road of an eating disorder. I'm not giving up food. But, before I eat that dessert, or stuff my face again, I'm going to ask myself if it is more important than making it to London. If it is, then by all means, I'm going to eat it. But if it's not, then I'm going to start choosing what I want in the long run over what I want in the moment.