- Lose 10 lbs. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I know. But why do we always think that if only we could just lose a little weight we'd look smoking hot and drive him crazy??
- Get dressed up and go out with my friends. Instead of driving right over to his house as soon as we were both in town
- Talk to every other boy besides him. Not in an obvious way, but just in an 'I'm sorry, I'd love to talk, but this other hot guy is just so funny I can't break myself away from him right now.' aka "see how many other guys want me??"
- NOT call him or make any effort to see him. Wait for him to keep trying and trying to see me.
- Not hook up with him. Maybe tease him a little, but then get up and walk out, or tell him that we're not dating so I can't do anything with him.
What Actually Happened:
- Got anxious and ate everything I could get my hands on for the past two weeks, resulting in feeling bloated and hardly fitting into any of my jeans.
- Got dressed up and went out with my other friends. Got drunk and hung out with lots of guys....but he didn't show up so all I did was put on a show.
- Ignored his text messages....until about 5 drinks in....then I sent him about 50 saying how much I wanted to meet up with him and tackkle the shet outta of hmi.
- Ignored him the next day to try to salvage my pride.
- Woke up naked in his bed the morning after that. Doing everything BUT have sex is totally the same as not hooking up at alllllll....right?
- Hung out with him all day Saturday and blew off one of my guy friends because I couldn't drag myself away.
- Made plans for him to come visit me after I go back home....which I somehow have to get out of if I'd like to avoid a potentially masterfuck of a mess with the boys I hang out near me.
- Told him I loved him
- NEVER mentioned how I am happier now that we are broken up....never mentioned the fact that we are, in fact, actually, seriously, and honestly broken up....never tried to talk about anything serious....
Soooooooo.....my plans didn't really work out the way that I wanted them to, but when do they ever turn out the way you imagine they will in these situations?? Seems there's some people who just have that hold on you. The funny thing about seeing Jeffrey this time though was that I spent a lot of time, when I was with him, trying not to hear that tiny voice inside my head that said very matter of factly that I am over him and don't feel the same way. I guess it's about time my feelings for him changed.
It's funny how sometimes our heart is stage behind. When things got bad and he didn't treat me well, all I could think of was how great he had been before. It was like I didn't believe he was turning into an asshole because I still saw him as a great guy. Now he's great again, but all I can think of is how much he hurt me before. I don't believe any of the nice things he does or says because I still see him as the asshole.
So I still havn't broken the hold yet, but I think maybe it's a start, and for the sake of trying to be on my own side I'm going to cut myself some slack and go back to my life of staying busy and avoiding any type of serious relationship, knowing that even if he doesn't know it I've got the upper hand back in a strange sort of way.
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